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04 August 2016 @ 12:31 am
i love TMIng on LJ  
So that's like, my adventures in queerness! Continuing.

I really am comfortable right now. Like, I don't really require a super close person right now; I think it would impede me, even. I wouldn't be able to pursue something like I want to pursue web-design right now. I would just want to hold hands and kiss and spend time together with someone, like, all the time. This way, I can actually do things.
I'm not sure. Now that I know what it's like, I kinda miss kissing and closeness and hugs and stuff. (But it really doesn't help with work and interests. There's a honeymoon phase you need to overcome, that is very true.) I don't even miss her that much, I don't think. At first, when I already started getting over it, I stopped myself from missing her, and now I just... don't. It helps (in a certain sense of that word..l) that my last impressions are kinda vaguely painful. I can't feel as nostalgic about how we used to be in March because it's shadowed by stuff from May and June. Also, because I can't stop myself from remembering all the bad things: how I pushed her, how I was too much, my panic attacks, all the places where I was stubborn and stupid and too much. But also, I was myself, still. Di once said, that yeah, well, I did all that stuff and I was that way, but could I really do it any differently? It was just me. It was just who I was. That is not meant to excuse my occasionally shitty behaviour, that is true. But if I am too much, and she couldn't handle it - well.

So I still feel kind of on the aro-spectrum. Main thing is: am I building my image of an alloromantic person on the stereotypes and the "normal" behaviour expected by the society? Would anybody even argue that the society builds terribly unrealistic and hurtful expectations of how much people actually want romantic relationships? How it's the thing that is fed into our brains by the media and our surrounding; how even when little kids are friends with someone - the opposite sex, of course, - people coo about them getting married (this thing fucking disgusts me); how we are expected, required to look for a romantic partner constanty? God knows I got so lucky with my parents who never asked anything about it except for like, one time when I was 14. I don't have to be aromantic to not constantly want a romantic relationship, or to interpret the occasional crushes on friends as platonic (these kinds of crushes where I just get so much into spending time with a friend).
But at the same time, the way I just revel in my platonic relationships (see: gestalt), how I hardly even wanted anything except embraces from what I classified as romantic interests; the way it gets so hard to distinguish romantic from platonic; the way I feel fulfilled by platonic relationships in my life when I'm not in love with someone... well. I don't think it's that silly to identify as aroflux. It's just an identity; it's something for me to feel comfortable with. Someone else might feel roughly the same and identify as something else; and that's fine. This is the main lesson I got from talking with people, tbh.

The thing is, sometimes I just feel stupidly tactile and want to cuddle A LOT. CAN I GET A CUDDLING PARTNER WHO WOULDNT MIND ME KISSING THEM ON THE NOSE SOMETIMES. (except I would also need to be really into them as a person lmao.)
 
 
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